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I haven't updated this is a looooong time, g-damn. I've been writing more lately but I haven't quite gotten to the stage where I move it from my word file to here, or elsewhere for that matter. Sometimes I don't see the point. I can see where I'm getting depressed again, when things are slipping and the days are gathering together until I wonder how the hell it is that another week/month has passed. I'm trying not to, to keep busy and moving and exercising. But then stressful things happen, I worry, and then the dominoes fall and I blink and suddenly it's a week later. We keep getting sick- first a week long flu that paralyzed the house and sent us all to the couches with blankets and pillows. Now there's some kind of stomach bug that is keeping Adam and I nauseous and out of it and dizzy. At least the girls aren't getting sick this time? That helps.

I've been knitting a lot lately. Getting out to knitting groups is the only time I leave the house alone, really, and I've been enjoying it. One of the gals at the library group I go to is older, and I think she taught at my elementary school? She's a fuckin' hoot. I dig hanging out with her- she admits she's a prude, but is really interested when someone else is talking about the crocheted garter belt she's making. I'm working on some pasties for a fest in the spring and she's cuuuuurious. Aww. I've been walking through a pattern with her to make some kid socks that look like duck feet. They're adorable! But we sat for almost 2 hours and barely got finished turning the heel on them- that's about 13 or 14 rows of knitting. Painstaking. It was definitely compounded by the fact that she had needles too small for her yarn, and knits too tightly, so it was exceedingly difficult to work with it. And the yarn was this cheap, horrible stuff that is basically the texture of the scrubbing side of a dish sponge. Yuck. I wanted to burn it, but the polyester fumes would have killed us all. Or made us high as hell.

I am making something really neat though- my best (and one of my only) friends in elementary school through junior high is getting married this summer! I'm making a shawl for her (I swear that isn't as boring as it sounds) that is bright and ruffley and soft. It's all pinks, purples and yellows. Her wedding is a fairy/whimsical sort of theme and it should be just right for her. The neat part is that she's asked for Ollie to be the ring bearer. Kickass! A tiny little tux is too much for me to bear. He asked me if we can let his hair grow out again, so by July he ought to have long blonde locks again. Fuck. Precious, right? Man, I don't even care about the shit I get when his hair is long, it's so damn cute.

Oh, and socks. Motherfuck, am I making some socks. I got some bombass yarn for my Christmas present from Adam and it's pretty and looks like confetti cake when you hold it. But once it's knit it flows and is just speckled with all these bright awesome colors with a white base. The heels and toes and the cuff will be seafoam green and it is just brilliant. I'm working on the 2nd now and am jazzed about finishing them. I should be getting my camera back from my mum and then I can upload some pictures of kids/knitting/excellence.

Ok, enough rambling. I promise I'm done! I've got to get this posted and then I'll be off to knit, watch a shitty movie, and try and sleep within the next hour or two.

it's a manic kind of day..

I love sensory memories. The house is a bit chilly because the windows are closed up tight. I'm wearing my fall wardrobe staple for when I'm staying in and not inclined to see people- a comfortable t-shirt (dethklok today) and a pair of leggings. I've had this particular pair since I was pregnant with Ollie and they are still amazing and stretchy and un-pilled. They're grey with black skull&crossbones patterned all over, and at the right knee there is a bright blue splatter of paint from when I was helping my friend James paint his bedroom when moving in with my friend Sara. It's memories piled on memories today. Echoes of them rumbling down the hall and dancing at my feet while I'm washing dishes or playing dress up with the girls. Their hand-me-down costumes clothes from friend's kids are silk soft from wear and smell of foreign laundry soap, confusing the scent memories even more.

So I'm standing in the kitchen and everytime I step toward the cupboards to nab a spice or reach into the fridge I feel the swirl of scents around me shift. The rice and shitaki mushrooms bubbling on the stove, the girls playing together near the pantry, the skillet with other vegetables simmering quietly with soy sauce and sea salt, and every now and then the puff of Oliver's milk-breath as he leans in too close during our discussion of dinosaurs.

It's the mushrooms that did it. The jogging of this scent-memory overload. As soon as they had cooked long enough for it to hit my nose I was thrown back to last November. I spent an afternoon wrestling together my mum's christmas tree in our living room while watching Fringe on our laptop (placed strategically on the back of the recliner or other dubiously safe places so I could see it better) and in the middle I took a break to eat some shitaki rice and swear a lot about the damned tree for pinching my fingers and being so damn fiddly.

Once I started thinking about it, that was all I could think of. It was a nice afternoon, relaxing and fun, but nothing amazing. I'm still not sure why I can't get it out of my head but it's making me itchy to pull the huge box full of faux-boughs from the attic and set that mean ol' bastard up. I know right where I'd put it, too.

What do you think, dudes? Is mid September too soon? I think it's too soon. But I could start decorating it with silly, un-festive stuff for now. I could hang my circular needles on higher branches, necklaces too... Hmmm...
this morning a huge rainstorm ripped open the clouds and gave us some much needed thunder, lightning, and life to the plants in our yard starved by the drought. During that time I had the strangest dream- I was hugely pregnant and living in a large, winding house full of robots. I saw r2d2 at one point. There was also some sort of malevolent person who had wolves as pets and they tried attacking me several times- each time I fended them off using metal knitting needles I'd stowed into my belt loops for just that purpose. A group of older ladies and I were knitting shawls inside the manor (castle?) and it seemed they were to be used to wrap around the creatures heads while drowning them. I remember someone specifically showing me how to knit a bobbin because "it helps hold in the water".

I can still feel the phantom crunch from bracing my thumb against the back of the knitting needle in my fist and shoving it, quickly, into the chest of something snarling and hateful trying to kill me.


I can't sleep. Went out knitting with old broads tonight and now I can't sleep. We went together to see Sally, a member of our group, who is 64. She's in the hospital, but is going home tomorrow morning hospice. She's had cancer four times already, and it keeps coming back. Now it's in her liver, it's in her breasts, and a few other places. Seriously, it's everywhere. They're giving her about a week or two to live, at this point. So we hung out in her hospital room and knit with her and talked about anything she wanted, and she was given a squishy warm shawl one of the other folks knit for her, and we just brought the group to her. It was really sweet.

Now I can't sleep. I feel manic, like it's only about 10pm, not 2am. I crocheted about 200 or so yards on Lucy's blanket (or one four oz skein of cotton yarn) and now I'm starting a pair of baby socks because I got jealous of Jan's socks she was working on and want to make a pair for reals. I feel ok starting them because I am on the last real row of lucy's blanket, once this row is done I've just got to do the edging for it. So... it's like I am fighting a hydra. Once I get one project done I am justified in starting two more.

The socks I'm making are with a subtle light green and soft yellow yarn. They're going to be for Lu and I'm going to crochet little wings to put on the outside of the ankles so she has Hermes socks. Yessss.

Also, unrelated, but why is it that this late at night.. the only thing on HBO and the movie channels are either action movies or porn? Just finished watching Se7en and now there's not much to watch. Off to find something on discovery or the science channel..

Jul. 14th, 2012

Oliver is playing with his legos and making a pirate ship, with an vintage toy pig for the captain. I asked him why, and the answer was a succinct "he's a pig, mama!". Oh. Okay. Delilah is running around drinking out of everyone else's cups because she's tired of a sippy cup. But I'm tired of her tipping water or milk into the floor and giggling.

Lucy is walking around (oh yeah, I said walking!) with my locked phone because she was inconsolable for a little while. Deli bit her again and this time it was on the chubby part of her arm near her elbow- a couple bites, actually! All in one small area. Lucy has a bruise on her arm already just below that in the shape of ( ) from Deli doing that a few days ago. They can't play together in another room, because that's when Deli preys on her. Poor thing.

Today is quiet. We're watching a nifty show about dinosaurs being done in 3D models and showing off all their pointy, prodding bits. Yesterday it was overcast and muggy and everyone felt too sticky to play nice with each other, so each kid got a pile of cardboard bricks to build something from and the older two tried to make a tower taller than the other. Lucy sat on hers and watched the proceedings, clapping everytime they tumbled.

Everyone just took a break to play with dreidels. I have a collection of small, plastic ones and they are perfect for fine motor skills. Ollie still can't spin one but he's trying! Lucy is watching Ollie's dreidels fly across the table, Deli is asking me to spin one constantly and then snatching it off the table without warning. She thinks it's hilarious, like she's tricking physics or bending gravity. She thinks it's amazing to stop something that is moving so fast, I can see it in the way she smiles with surprise- like it might keep spinning in her hand, but this time she stopped it.

The plan for today is simple- Adam works from before the kids wake up until 5pm. After that I'm going out to buy some thriftstore sheets to make that rug for the living room- I can't wait! I've got a huge crochet hook to use that I borrowed from my mum, and it should be a hoot. I want to go with Sara, but she miiight have to help someone move- don't know yet, I just texted her to ask. If she goes with, it'll be a hoot. I just want to walk and enjoy the sunshine and adult conversation. If she can't join me, hell with it, I'll take a walk by myself.

I've got a shawl on the needles, knitting it has been really relaxing. It's this great turquoise cotton/linen yarn and the pattern is ridiculously simple but mine, in the sense that I took a few simple ideas for shawls and put them together. I'm sure it's been done before, if not in this exact way. But I like it, and it's growing, and if I keep working on/off for the next week or so it should be done and ready to scrunch around my neck.

I had a falling out with my mum's friend Becky (ok, she was my friend too) because I argued with her daughter on facebook. I told her daughter she was immature and ignorant because she updated her facebook all day with status' about politics and I asked her about them. Things progressed from "why do you hate Obama? what policies don't you like? what's up?" to her arguing with me and insulting me and her sole reasoning for "omg HATING him" being "because when you look in his eyes you can tell he has no soul" or "no heart". Seriously, that's why. Because of what she sees when she looks in the eyes of someone she's never met.

Moral superiority from a woman like her just kills me. She's the worst mother I've ever met, hands down. She signed away the rights to her 7 and 9 year old daughters so that her ex would pay her back the money he took from her- but didn't get the money first. He's equally trashy and immoral, and in the end he paid her back a small fraction of the money that he stole from her and told her that was all he'd do. She literally sold her daughters for $116.

What is it with hypocritical hillbillies? If you don't like our president for an actual reason, that's cool. Opinions, everyone has em. But if you're going to make it about morals, when you don't have them, you look even stupider. At least the president has a job and is raising his kids- two up on you, bb.

So then Becky saw the whole argument online and sent me a huge, patronizing message about how she didn't think it was cool, and I shouldn't insult people because they don't believe the same things I do, and what an awful person I am acting like. Then made repeated status updates lamenting the "nastiness" she had to deal with, and talking about me passive aggressively. I can deal with that. Becky milks any drama she can and throws herself in the middle of things. But when she kept calling me a fool (and it wasn't the first time she'd called me one in a public or semi public way) I lost it.

I saw that on her status and I asked her not to call me a fool. That's it. One sentence. She got defensive, started getting pissy, and instead of responding to my private message to her about the situation, she brought it all out on her status instead. A huge comment about it, full of judgemental bullshit. And then lambasting me for "bringing all this out in public". When I tried to explain that she'd actually brought it public, not me, she responded by unfriending me. Well, good. I've got enough hypocritical people around me, now I don't have to see her constant sappy pictures with biblical quotes. Or talking about how much she cares for the people around her, and whatta good Christian she is, and memes about lolz Obama can't read the constitution, they'z taking our freedoms!

It's gonna be really awkward when I knit with old broads now. Becky is probably going to flounce out if she goes Monday and sees me. Considering all she did there was bitch, moan, and talk about people (she called her daughter, Desiree, a dumbass literally every time she spoke about her, for the record). There's already one person there, Jan, who ignores Becky because they had a falling out. And there have been about half a dozen people who stopped going when they were new to the group because Becky offended them. I'm just saying good riddance.

This turned out longer than I meant, but I'm still just really pissed off about the whole thing. Becky has been a friend of the family for years- I babysat her children when they were younger, and now her youngest is in high school. I just baked cupcakes for her middle kid's graduation party a few weeks ago. She actually moved two houses away from my mum's place for a couple years and was over every morning for coffee while I was living there after having Ollie. I'm going to miss her, but on the other hand.. she is so much drama, and sulking, and making everything about her. I'm not going to miss that at all.

crafty shit on the brain

So. I have ADD like whoa and am currently self medicating with stimulants because that makes me able to focus and be productive. On the downside, it also makes me a little manic sometimes after a while, or if I do it too much. So today they kids have played with their djembes, we've played in the pool outside with beach toys and soaked the corn and peas and things growing in the back yard, and we've run around like madfolks singing about Mothra. All the kids are enamored with Gojira vs Mothra (The Thing!) right now.

Right, that part about being manic? Is right now. I'm trying to finish up things and organize the house, and also I've got some mopping to do. I want a list of things I want to accomplish craft-wise, and I figure that a list here is a good start and it gives me some accountability.

Stuff to do (starting, finishing, or otherwise):
-finish Lucy's blanket! Only a few more color stripes to go. I'm working on blue right now, and it's the last time I'll use it. Yellow, green, yellow, orange, and then probably end it with some fun edge with the yellow.
-weave in the ends of Emily's bandana shawl, do the same with the boy's bibs and attach the buttons. Doing this tonight when I join the Old Broads at Starbucks for our weekly knit, bitch, and donate.
-work on BettyJean's rock creature I'm making. It's a knit rock with lichy looking moss on it, and I need to sew it down tonight to the body of the rock. Next step is knitting/crocheting? small purple flowers, and then using a light tan/taupe mohair yarn to embroider thin vines along the moss to attach the flowers. When all that is done I'll attach two rounded black buttons for eyes and it'll be done. If it's not too much trouble I might make a smaller baby lich version of it for her. Or say fuck it and keep it for myself, haha.
-I really want a bandana sized shawl of my own! I have a great bright blue cotton/linen yarn I found in my stash yesterday that would be perfect for summer and really bright, once I'm through with BJ's lichen creature I'll feel ok about starting it.
-get some fun colored thrift store sheets and cut those suckers into one long strip of fabric each and crochet an area rug for the living room. In the winter we have this great, kitschy red shag rug in there, but it's way too warm for summer. Also, colors! Would be a cheap, fun, and easy project to work on around the kids.
- get ideas finalized for my polar creature stuffed dude and creepity monster. I have this great single ply wool yarn that is squishy, soft, and great subtle colors. I'm planning on making a series of interesting creatures from them, one of which will have wire armature so it can skulk around and be posed in compromising positions. One yarn is a dingy, brownish toned rainbow and the other is a gorgeous blue that is so light and moved between a yellow toned green to teal to blue, but so softly that it's cloud-like. It'll be a great little chubby dude with a cable up his back, that's all I know right now.
- work on embroidering more! That's a goal for this summer fo sho. I've gotten started a little, and have mastered a few stitches, and want to do more. I really enjoy it, and hope this develops into something more. I like the way it looks when I draw on cloth and embroider over it. I'm sending a gal I know a fun packet of stuff in the mail just because, and it'd be nice to work on a little something and send it her way along with a letter and some niceties.
- still have more things to spraypaint and pretty up around the house, too. I've got a bookshelf stuffed with VHS tapes with yarn and little odds and ends on top. I want to paint it, and since the piece is made with chubby shelves with wide faces and sides, I think it would be rad to paint it and then use a paint pen or two to make a nifty mehndi design on it. I think it would really stand out, especially if I did a color combo that was in the same family- like light blue paint with teal designs.

Whoooooo. And that's just the stuff in my head that's floating at the forefront. I've got more ideas that just need solidified and worked over until I know what I'm doing, like needle felting some stuff, and figuring out how I'm going to chalkboard paint a door in the kitchen so we can write our grocery list on it, and learning how to sew like a fucking champ.

did you miss me?

Hey, dames and dudes! I haven't posted on here in ages. Since I moved in August I either haven't had the internet set up at my place, then I didn't know what to update with, and then the internet was gone again. So, hey, updates!
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Whooo, that is a long entry. Anyway, uh, the tl;dr version- kids are fine, happy, and healthy. I'm changing up the house so that I don't go insane. Ramble ramble ramble. The end.

quick and dirty, the way you like it.

I live and breathe! Still no internet at the house, sometime soon I will bike up to mc donald's and steal their wifi and catch up on all of you wonderful people and your exciting lives, and maybe I'll even post myself. In the meantime, sorry for being a chump.
Quick update-
-Just got hired by Walgreens, Adam got laid off from his electrician gig that was supposed to last til December. Stress stress stress!

-Lu is rolling around and chatting and cooing and shrieking like a fruit bat to anyone she likes. She is amazing.

-Deli is walking super fast, vaguely growing more hair, and is getting more mischevious and clever by the day. God help us.

-Oliver is probably starting pre-k for real soon, we've got an evaluation conference tomorrow to see where we stand and what we're doing and what they're formally diagnosing him as. Autistic, massively speech delayed? Something. Gonna slap a label on that boy yet. His hair is growing super long and curly and he looks like he should model in an IKEA catalog, if they used people. Gangly, pale, and blonde.

-I have to make cupcakes for 40-50 ladies for a babyshower this Saturday and I still haven't made red velvet before. Gonna make a test batch today. Going to end up making 2 dozen red velvet (mama to be's favorite), a dozen vanilla bean, and a dozen lemon and strawberry (unless I feel like doing a different fruit sort).

-My mum turned 50! I am turning 25 this winter. When did we all get so old?
Delilah is walking now. Not the stumbling, toddling walk she has been, but actually walking with a purpose. Now she isn't lurching from one sure handhold to another, upper body leaned forward with too-fast momentum. Now she's walking without a goal in mind, just strolling around. Sometimes she carries something, sometimes she twiddles her thumbs, but she doesn't hold her arms out anymore for balance, awkwardly hugging air. Now she walks circuits from the dining room to the living room, through the hallway and into the kitchen before emerging back into the living room, triumphant and laughing.

At the corner of the living room is a very small nook sort of space where both of our djembes stand. There's a larger one that was sent for Ollie a few months ago and specially carved for him that stands about three feet tall and another, about two feet tall, that is mine. Both are handmade and both have goatskin drum heads. Mine is more artful, prettily carved from ebony and pink ivory wood and made for the marketplace of some dusty land where animals graze on the few strands of grass found in town. Ollie's drum is more roughly carved, and the wood that makes up the drum's body shifts from a deep reddish brown to blonde. Both of them are wrapped tight with black acrylic cord and when you tip them into your lap so that the air can drift through the open bottom and resonate- they sing. Deeper pitched when you hit the middle with the flat of your palm or the high, sweet notes when you tap at the edges of the head with your fingers.

This morning I sat on the floor, pulling one drum into my lap and playing for a while, then another. Delilah walked around to the beat, her little shoulders shifting back and forth and her head nodding, unable to help from smiling everytime she turned the corner and saw that I was still there, still beating out her rhythm.

It's been a great day so far. It's almost 11am and we've been up and moving since around 8. I'm tired from spending a good deal of time awake last night with Lucy, but she's in good spirits and so am I. The wizard of Oz is playing in the background, Dorothy is flying through the air right now in her cyclone and the beat is still lively and Ms. Gultch hasn't yet arrived. Later today I'll need to get things together for this weekend- Adam and I are heading to Indy to clean up the apartment and paint over the last of the colorful splashes we'd painted to wake the place up. The kids are being separated- Ollie and Deli are staying at his parents and my mum is going to watch Lu. We plan to leave tonight around 6pm and be back around that time tomorrow, but still, tons of planning is required.

We've got kids things to pack, clothes and diapers and cups and toys, everything that they need that gathers on the counters and tables and floors like silt. Necessary things that we take for granted that, if left behind, will be sorely missed. I've got laundry to do too- large, plush blankets needed to help transport the oversize ceramic piece that Adam made and couldn't bring back before. We'll use the blankets to cushion the hardwood floor we'll be sleeping on tonight and to brace the ceramic piece tomorrow during the drive back. How handy.

It's been too long since I've written- I've used this laptop to check my email once in the last three weeks we've been here. I've gotten out of the habit of seeing what new messages I have or what people are saying on my friends list. I don't know what's going on at facebook, or what the hilarious new meme is. I don't find myself minding, really- the only thing I really miss is talking to friends online. There's just a handful of you, but enough that are dear to me. I have, well, two friends here in town now that I've moved back. One of them is in her late thirties and across town, the other is my age but just far enough away that walking here is too far to do on a whim. I'm hoping to get more friends here again, I miss seeing people in person and talking easily, trading opinions and thoughts over the reaching hands of the children always at my feet or in my lap or at my side, whispering and wanting.

Basically- I miss all of you and I wish you were close enough to come over for a cuppa and to make cupcakes with me, to stretch out on our new sofa and look up at the textured ceiling where, strangely, there is an imprint of a blooming rose amid all the fanlike designs brushed in the plaster. I'd love to walk you all through my new place and show you the backyard and the new fence we'll be putting up soon. I'd like to show off the prettily finished floors, newly stained a deep brown to match all the old molding and doors. We have a porch now, it would be the perfect place to gather and talk about your new jobs and exciting week, and what you all made for dinner last Tuesday.

But. It doesn't work out that way, and you're all achiningly far away, stretched out around the world and only connected by tenous strings of data- 1s and 0s and keyboards typing words when you find the time amidst everything else in your life.

Maybe one day I'll meet one or two of you in person though. Wouldn't that be grand?

stuff stuff stuff

Goddamnit, Internet.

I was on Regretsy and Adam said that he'd be cool with being featured on there, because all press is good press, right? So I clicked on some random posts on there to show him that no, they are on there for a reason because the fuckery is strong with them. Whether it's ugly, gross, poorly made, resold, or whatever other reason- there is a good reason. If your stuff is on there, it is bad.

So then one of the posts is about someone basically being a placentaphagia consultant- for $50 they will walk you through the steps to finding a recipe you like so you can consume your baby's placenta. I thought, hell, why do that when you can do an ingredient search at allrecipes, right? Turns out (shockingly) that there aren't any recipes there that include placenta. Color me surprised. So I googled 'placenta recipes' and that was another can of fucking strange right there. 966,000 results!

Smoothies, dehydrated in a powder and encapsulated, cooked in stews... it was just too much. "Separate the meat from the membranes and carve the meat into cubes" is nothing I want to hear in the context of "organs I've pushed out my box", sorry.

In other news, tonight is our last night in our apartment before moving. Tomorrow we're driving upstate and the kids and I will stay at Adam's parents house and he'll head back down here with my brother and pack a bit more. Monday they'll get the uHaul and fill it, then drive upstate and I'll work on unpacking it with friends and family who rule. Depending on how fast it goes we might be sleeping in our house Monday night! Or Tuesday, but still, fuck! We're almost there!

Moving sucks. Packing sucks. Washing out fancy glasses that have been on top of the cupboards collecting dust and grease from frying things really sucks. But! Bright side! I cleared out a lot of baking ingredients that were low by making a batch of peach spice cupcakes for the nurses at the clinic the kids and I go to, and I made a pair of pecan pies with a friend from work on Thursday. She took one home and I sent the other one (minus one small slice, I had to try it!) to my neighbor who has bought about a hundred dollars worth of ceramics from Adam in the last week. She fucking rules. She has a ton of his stuff and keeps it all together on a table and shows it off, aww. She is a sweetheart. I need to write her a thank you card and send it to her when we get settled in, just don't have the time right now.

Still have a lot to do, but we have until the second week of September or so to be out of here, so there's time to come back and clean and touch up the spots we painted over. Our parents will watch the kids overnight while we get shit done here before our lease is up, it'll be really nice.

I can't think of what else I was going to say, so fuck it. Off to go work on more stuff. I don't know when I'm going to bed, but I'm about to make myself another cup of espresso/chocolate milk over ice. Sleeping is for the weak or people who don't put things off. No, those aren't contradictory.

Oh, and for the record? My neighbor across the hall can fuck himself with a rusty axe. So tired of him letting his (intact) male cat roam the halls while he has his door CLOSED. Dude, don't you expect your cat to piss out there if he can't get inside? Fuck you, man. Ungoddamned cool. Especially since it makes Sal jumpy and agitated. She's got an appointment to get spayed on the 6th next month, though, so hurray!


cuter than the black plague and 5x more popular

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